The Sketch Artist

Scene:  Pre-dawn Christmas morning. A quiet, snow-covered street is gently illuminated by the sodium lamps in front of the 14th Precinct Police Station. The silence is shattered when a thirty-ish lady dashes in, panicked and out of breath.  Disoriented, she staggers up to the desk of the Duty Officer.

Lady: Officer, officer!  I need to report a crime!

Duty Officer: (looking up from his paperwork) Calm down, miss. Calm down. Have a seat. Can I get you some cocoa?

L: (sits) No, no thank you, I just want to report a hit-and-run... Or maybe it was a mugging... Oh, it just happened all so fast...

DO: Are you missing any items that you are aware of? Are you injured?

L: No... No, I don't believe so. I heard a bunch of clippity-clop noises then I was knocked down then he was gone as quickly as he came.

DO: (grabbing a sketch pad)  Hmm. Ok. Try to remember any details you can about your attacker. 

L: I... I don't know if you are going to believe me.

DO: Trust me - I have seen it all. Nothing shocks me anymore.

L: Well... It wasn't human, but it sang incessantly. It looked like a giant albino dog with huge eyes. 

DO: (shows her pad) Eyes like this, you mean?

L: No. Bigger. And vacant. Irises that were basically pinpoints. 

DO: Like this?

L: Yes!  Just like that!  He had a large spherical red nose that glowed very, very brightly. A fang was growing out of it and his tongue was sticking out. 

DO: (Still sketching). Go on...

L: Oh, yes, he had one front leg and three back legs, all different lengths. On the end of three of his legs he had hooves, and on the back right one I think he was wearing a tube sock.

DO: (showing her the pad). Is this your attacker, miss?

L: No, he was at least fifty percent more mangled-looking than that.  He had one ear and one antler.  His skull and spine were severely misshapen. Also, I think he was pooping.

DO: Gotcha. (Hands her the pad) How about now?

L: That's him! That's the guy! Do you know who he is?

DO:  I do. The nose is a dead giveaway. Unfortunately, that is the only constant about this individual. Sometimes he has four legs, last year he had two... one time he had at least thirty. One day he would be standing there, the size of a bicycle, the next day his size rivaled that of the tallest tree in Mostly Treetrunk Forest.  I have to be honest with you, we are probably not going to find him. Besides, based on your description he was probably nearly blind and severely off balance. It might have been an accident. 

L: (sighs heavily) You know, when I first saw that my company had a job opening here in Childsdrawington, I jumped at the chance.  I thought it would be all happy suns and cute little backwards letter S's. 

DO:  (Nods) We all did...

L: I mean, the never ending string of dinosaur attacks and volcano eruptions would probably be semi-tolerable if it weren't for the constant racket of spaceship battles overhead.  It's almost impossible to get any sleep. 

DO: Yeah... You do get used to it, though. Even those giant potato-people don't freak me out like they did when I came here four years ago. 

L: Potato people?  Oh, you mean those huge grinning heads with spaghetti-thin arms and legs growing out of their necks (shudders)

DO: Yeah, them. My neighbors are potato-people. Nice enough folks, but I just wish they wouldn't walk around naked all the time do something about the fifty foot high daisies growing between our houses. I guess I should cut them some slack, though. I guess I wouldn't do very much yard work or fool around with zippers or buttons if I only had three spindly fingers jutting out of each wrist. 

L: I guess you're right. Well, officer, thanks for your time, and thanks for listening. 

DO: It's what I'm here for. Be safe out there.  

I Ate What?

I remember when I was little being enamored with the super-fancy little silver spheres that some relatives put on Christmas cookies.  I also remember being really annoyed that they wouldn't just let me have some to eat (no matter how much I begged) at cookie decorating time.   "They're for the cookies," they said. 

Now it's a few decades later and we have some in the house and I am free to eat the whole damn jar if I wanted to. Heck, I could go from grocery store to grocery store buying them out and later sit down with a cereal bowl filled with them, happily munching away while watching Scooby-Doo reruns on Boomerang.  

As a matter of fact, I think I will do just that. I'll show you, thirty-year old apparently traumatic memory of super-mean cookie-making relatives. Then maybe the voices in my head will be appeased... at least for a while. Before I grab my car keys and head out let me just check the label, here, to see what these things are actually called. 

Le'see... Silver Sugar Spheres. Hmph... Makes sense. Boy these things sure are shiny. I wonder how they do it. Maybe the ingredients will shed some light on this. 

Ok, 98.6% sugar - no shock there. Starch, glucose syrup - both wheat-based. Ok. Good to know especially if allergies are a concern.  Aluminum...

Whoa... Aluminum?  Like, the metal? No way. You know, other than Goldschlager, I don't think I have ever ingested something I could straight up find on a Periodic Table of the Elements.  I mean, even nutritional supplements like zinc come in compound form - it's not like you're eating the core of a penny or anything. 

Looking at the French list of ingredients gives E173 as the colorant, which Google confirms is, in fact, aluminum. There is also a warning  "Not for children less than three years old".  Well, that’s not a good sign...

Looking into it a little further you can find that the FDA qualifies these “silver dragées” as  confectionary and, since they contain a non-nutritive substance (aluminum, I guess), they may be considered “adulterated foods”.  Here is the pertinent part (of the Federal Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act (Section 402(d)(3)): Feel free to skip over this, btw.

A food shall be deemed to be adulterated... If it is confectionery, and... bears or contains any nonnutritive substance, except that this subparagraph shall not apply to a safe nonnutritive substance which is in or on confectionery by reason of its use for some practical functional purpose in the manufacture, packaging, or storage of such confectionery if the use of the substance does not promote deception of the consumer or otherwise result in adulteration or misbranding in violation of any provision of this chapter, except that the Secretary may, for the purpose of avoiding or resolving uncertainty as to the application of this subparagraph, issue regulations allowing or prohibiting the use of particular nonnutritive substances.

Yawn... So... are these French imports illegal in the U.S. or aren’t they?

Digging a little deeper we find that they are legal for sale in 49 of the 50 U.S. states.  California, it turns out, criminalized the sale of these on food unless the food is labeled “not for human consumption” thanks largely to a lawsuit from an environmental lawyer in 2003.

Amazon won’t even ship them there.  Wow.  Well, they will coordinate the shipment from companies outside the U.S. apparently but try as I might (I looked for a whole ten minutes) I could not find what the punishment would be for shipping a bottle of these or a box of cookies covered in these to a friend in California...

Now I know that eating silver is bad for you, but don’t we take in just a tiny, tiny bit of aluminum every time we crack open a soda or beer? Are these "candies" as bad or worse than that?  The FDA seems to have an issue with "silver" or "silver-colored" food additives of imports (Section 801(a)(3) of the code, in case you are interested).  

I am pretty confused.  Any lawyers or doctors (or both) out there that could clear this up for me?  I would be fascinated to know how the fine/jail time compares with other crimes like drug possession or driving without a license.

And to think I was going to end this article with some sort of comment on the rest of the ingredients (pig gelatin and carnauba wax)...

What a world.

Merry Christmas!

A very merry Christmas from all of us to all of you!

Man... And I Just Washed My Car, Too...

I have said it before, but it bears saying again: I am soooo not looking forward to future arguments with my son that contain the words "Shut up, old man!  Like, wasn't your generation the one that thought the world was gonna end every other Thursday or something?"

Have a good weekend, everyone.

Maybe Captain Queeg Had a Point...

When an unexpected gift box shows up on your doorstep covered in condensation it’s probably a good idea to check out its contents before jamming it under the tree and awaiting the Big Day.  Boy, I am glad we did.

Tonight, the UPS guy brought us a box of gourmet strawberries from Shari’s Berries, a company that specializes in hand-dipped berries, cookies, and cakes. That’s the pic there.

They are as delicious as they look, and, since they are fruit, I assume they are very, very healthy so eating the whole lot as rapidly as humanly possible is probably a good thing.  Actually, according to the slip of paper that shipped with these little chunks of solid “awesome”, they are best enjoyed within 48 hours of receipt.

Wait...

Hours?  Hours?!  Pfft, oh, yeah, like they are gonna last “hours”...  As a matter of fact, why am I wasting my time talking with you people while I have these in front of me?

Thanks for the gift, Agmorion and Siun-Kelan!  Have a Merry Christmas!

Insanely Hard Christmas Trivia

If you are like me, you have a high-def television, Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer on the DVR, your finger on the PAUSE/PLAY button, and all the time in the whole wide world.  It's trivia time!

How well do you know this 1964 classic?  Sure, you've viewed it upwards of seven hundred times, but have you actually seen it?  I mean, paid attention to it to the point where die-hard Trekkies would tell you to give it a rest, already?  Let's find out:

1. Yukon Cornelius has a dog sled.  How many and what type of dogs haul him around?
2. He carries three items on his belt.  Name them.
3. One of the items the narrator owns seems to be broken.  What is it and why is it probably non-functional?
4. On what day does the global storm that threatens to cancel Christmas start?  What year, apparently?
5. Approximately how long is Rudolf out on his own according to the narrator? How long is he gone if you take into account how long “night” and “day” are at the North Pole?
6. What time is the Elf foreman's dentist appointment?
7. What is the population of the Island of Misfit Toys on Christmas Day (probably)?
8. At one point, Mrs. Claus is goading her husband to eat.  What does she serve him? ( a general description is acceptable here)
9. Name three reindeer that live at the North Pole that do not pull Santa's sleigh.  (Actual names, please.  Not just "Rudolf's mom" or what have you...)
10. How many female elves are on Herbie's work shift?  How about in the choir?

Extra Super Impossible Bonus Question: 

Someone appears to have had their status upgraded from “dead” to “sick” during the course of the show.  Name him. (Hint: No, its not the Bumble or Yukon Cornelius, and you gotta be quick with the old pause button to catch it.)

Have a guess on one or more of the above?  Leave a comment to show people how awesome you are.  Otherwise, you will all have to wait for Christmas morning for the answers.

Enjoy!

I'm Some Sort of Elf, Apparently

Short “I am still alive” post...  Here goes:

I was slammed at work this week but I did manage to find some time this weekend to fix the microwave, replace a shower door gasket, repair a shattered clay ornament, re-attach wheels to two broken toy cars, and start construction on some Christmas gifts for friends and relatives.  

Let’s talk about the last thing.  No spoilers here since both of these folks know what they are getting, anyway.

The first is a chalkboard for mom-in-law.  It is made from oak plyboard and barnwood.  The barnwood is 75-year-old reclaimed lumber taken from a dilapidated corn-crib on the parents-in-laws’ farm.

Here is the frame pre-sealant:

Here it is post-sealant:

This is one of the reasons I like working with this stuff.  I did not stain the frame at all - all I did was apply a clear poly satin finish. The decades-old wood really soaks up whatever you throw at it and brings out all sorts of detail, like the original saw-mill marks you can see in the pic above.

Here it is nearly done:

The next item is a desk caddy for the wife.  The stackable in-box thing she has now is too small and doesn’t really go with the faux-aged desk.  This is my first experiment with a dado blade and she thinks it is coming out great.  The back and shelves are made from oak plyboard and the body is made from leftover material from when I built my shop workbenches.

Now it’s just a matter of deciding on a color scheme (stained vs. painted and stained).  Personally, I am for painted-and-stained, but we will see what she decides.  I will post the final pics when it is done.

BTW, I have also been prepping material for the next batch of Geocache trinkets.  I am pretty psyched about these, and I hope to begin putting them out this upcoming weekend.  Ahh, what the heck... here’s a sneak-peek of the prototype (ultimately there will be 43 of these):

Talk to you soon.

Backwords

For the love of all that is holy, can’t a guy go a few days without people (or the voices in my head... Hard to say what’s real anymore what with all the drinkin’ and all) clamoring for a new blog post?!  What are you, the Blog Update Enforcer Pursuivant, or something?

What, “pursuivant”? Hey, it’s my English degree, I will do with it what I please.  Ok, it isn’t as much of an English degree as it is a Word-of-the-Day calendar.  Ok, fine, it was a Blackadder episode. Happy?!

Speaking of words...  In the upper left corner of this blog is a snippet of a drawing the four-year-old did at school today.  It says “Hulk Smash”. 

What?  Yes, we watched “The Avengers” together... I also taught him the “Stop Copying Me” game recently and let him listen to “Jingle Snake” enough times to where I was sure he had it down well enough for him to teach his friends at school, so what of it?!

Anyway...  Note he is not 100% constrained (yet) by society’s rules that English is typically written left to right, up to down.

That belief is further showcased with another drawing from today:  

Start above the stencil-tracing of the gingerbread man. That’s the word “you”.  He knows that there is a “yuh” sound in there and that’s sometimes what the letter “u” sounds like.  He also knows there is an “o” in there, but is not sure where or why.  

Then read, left to right, the sentence above that.  Then, get a mirror, and read the last sentence.

Throwing it all together, you can probably deduce that the whole thing says “You can’t catch me, I am the Gingerbread Man”.  

This is typical of the stuff he is creating lately. But it is also extremely mentally taxing for the audience.  Sort of like being forced to do a cryptogram without a pencil... and at gunpoint.
  

The hilarious part here is the look he gets when you are reading what he writes. He filled with pride and expectant glee yet is totally confused as to why it is taking you so damn long to puzzle out his flawless narrative.  

Oh, mind you, he is appreciative - to a ridiculous degree - of the accolades once you (finally) finish, but you definitely get a sense he is thinking “What took you so long... moron?” while you are telling him how proud you are of his efforts.