Well, we made it to Nashville yesterday. It took 9 hours and 11 minutes to get to the half-way point, and an additional 9 hours and 10 minutes to complete the second half of the journey the next day. Oh, wait. 10 hours and 10 minutes. Stupid time zone change. Anyway, that makes an average of about 30mph. Go Greased Lightning, go Greased Lightning!
And let me tell you something – there is nothing a one-year-old loves more than to be strapped into a chair and asked to sit there for hours on end... especially when they have just discovered the freedom of walking. However, if they do become displeased for any reason whatsoever, including absolutely no reason whatsoever, they will let you know loudly and without pause for as long as it takes for you to randomly try everything in your power to soothe them. Picture the “red alert” klaxon from Star Trek coupled with a set of bagpipes that are continuously and slowly deflating in your backseat.
Oh, don't get me wrong, nothing you will do will work, and I seriously pity you if you are reading this looking for some sort of advice. No... the best thing you can do is get to wherever the hell you are traveling so you can start writing that explanatory autobiography for your future 18-year-old entitled “Why Daddy Drinks”.
But we made it. Am I some sort of hero? Do I deserve a medal? Sure. Probably. But until they actually come up with a “Doing Your Damn Job” decoration, let me pass out some of my own:
Least Mountain-Friendly Vehicle to Travel In
The Toyota Prius wins this award hands down. Sure, 50 mpg is awesome but tack “struggles like an elderly, two-legged pack mule” to the list of traveling negatives for this car. I will go over the rest of the bad stuff in detail at another time but let me sum up the mountain driving for now. City driving – great. Highway driving – pretty good. Slightly-to-slightly-more-than-slightly sloped terrain – take a something meatier like a tuk-tuk instead.
The Toyota Prius wins this award hands down. Sure, 50 mpg is awesome but tack “struggles like an elderly, two-legged pack mule” to the list of traveling negatives for this car. I will go over the rest of the bad stuff in detail at another time but let me sum up the mountain driving for now. City driving – great. Highway driving – pretty good. Slightly-to-slightly-more-than-slightly sloped terrain – take a something meatier like a tuk-tuk instead.
Nicest Big Box Store Ever
Usually my mood sinks a little upon entering a Wal-Mart... wait... let me correct that. Actually, my mood drops like a stone whenever I even think about entering a Wal-Mart. I guess that's because the ones in my area are squalid, crowded, cramped hellholes that are staffed by people way too rude and slow to work at the DMV. So that was my mindset when we discovered that I left the stroller at home. “Fine, we should have two anyway, so let's find a... sigh...Wal-Mart... and pick one up.”
The outside of this place (in Newport, TN) was clean. There was ample parking. These two facts alone were so suspicious that I though that I might somehow be walking into some sort of ingenious and elaborate trap, but it got worse. (Or better. Whatever.) The aisles of merchandise were wide and nicely lit. The people were very helpful and friendly. You didn't have to dig rain-soaked trash out of a broken cart to use it. Here's the kicker: it was not new. It opened in 1995 (I just had to ask). To be honest, it was such a pleasant experience that we both really felt ill-at-ease until we were leaving the parking lot. Kudos, clearly Stepford Wives owned and operated big box store!
Usually my mood sinks a little upon entering a Wal-Mart... wait... let me correct that. Actually, my mood drops like a stone whenever I even think about entering a Wal-Mart. I guess that's because the ones in my area are squalid, crowded, cramped hellholes that are staffed by people way too rude and slow to work at the DMV. So that was my mindset when we discovered that I left the stroller at home. “Fine, we should have two anyway, so let's find a... sigh...Wal-Mart... and pick one up.”
The outside of this place (in Newport, TN) was clean. There was ample parking. These two facts alone were so suspicious that I though that I might somehow be walking into some sort of ingenious and elaborate trap, but it got worse. (Or better. Whatever.) The aisles of merchandise were wide and nicely lit. The people were very helpful and friendly. You didn't have to dig rain-soaked trash out of a broken cart to use it. Here's the kicker: it was not new. It opened in 1995 (I just had to ask). To be honest, it was such a pleasant experience that we both really felt ill-at-ease until we were leaving the parking lot. Kudos, clearly Stepford Wives owned and operated big box store!
Most Echo-y Restaurant or Eatery
There is a pretty nice place in Cookeville, TN we stopped at for lunch (can't think of the name of it but it ends in “z” and Google Street View only has this image taken around Christmastime). Good food, very polite wait staff, great prices, and flawless acoustics. The one-year-old loves indoor places where he can admire the reverb of the walls by happily shouting “DA-DA” non-stop until we are forced to leave. Not out of embarrassment (hey, I've knowingly walked around with shirts caked in sweet potato mush – this is not about me), but out of consideration for the other patrons. So we took the food outside to the...
There is a pretty nice place in Cookeville, TN we stopped at for lunch (can't think of the name of it but it ends in “z” and Google Street View only has this image taken around Christmastime). Good food, very polite wait staff, great prices, and flawless acoustics. The one-year-old loves indoor places where he can admire the reverb of the walls by happily shouting “DA-DA” non-stop until we are forced to leave. Not out of embarrassment (hey, I've knowingly walked around with shirts caked in sweet potato mush – this is not about me), but out of consideration for the other patrons. So we took the food outside to the...
Most Ant-Filled Courthouse Lawn in America
We laid down the picnic blanket and started to eat outside the Cookeville Courthouse where we were immediately besieged by infinity ants of a variety that would have put Noah's Ark to shame. Scenery was nice but lunch was short.
We laid down the picnic blanket and started to eat outside the Cookeville Courthouse where we were immediately besieged by infinity ants of a variety that would have put Noah's Ark to shame. Scenery was nice but lunch was short.
Dirtiest Look from an Absolute Stranger
This award goes to the guy in the hotel elevator as he realized that me and my armloads of infant stuff were staying on the same floor as he was. Well done, sir! I was a little busy carrying the third load to the room after my drive, but if I see you again during my stay, I will be sure to congratulate you in person over and over again.
This award goes to the guy in the hotel elevator as he realized that me and my armloads of infant stuff were staying on the same floor as he was. Well done, sir! I was a little busy carrying the third load to the room after my drive, but if I see you again during my stay, I will be sure to congratulate you in person over and over again.
That's all for now, except to mention the bar/restaurant at the hotel in Nashville makes the second-best mojito I have ever had.
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3 comments:
We don't have a restaurant that ends with the letter "Z" here in Cookeville, TN and we don't appreciate you big city folk coming here and spreading disinformation. And another thing... we are very proud of our diverse ant population.
Signed, Cookeville townie.
Cookeville Townie:
You should be very proud and frightened of your ant population who for some reason have voting rights which would explain the city mandated sugar scuptures every block or so.
The rsetaurant is on a corner opposite a coffee shop (that was also not there in the Google Street View).
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
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