Hey, if you want me to just get “a loafa bread, a quarta milk, and a sticka butter” then only give me a couple of bucks and pin a note to my jacket telling the shopkeep precisely what you want. Don't let me wander into a giant room full of bright colors and tasty things with a wallet full of cash. If you do, don't be shocked if I come home with, say, a handful of magic beans and no cow.
It is your own fault, you know...
The magic beans I bought today came in the form of the bottle on the left. It's trade name and slogan is “ChocoVine: The taste of dutch chocolate and fine red wine.” I presume since this is a Product of Holland that they know when the word “dutch” should be capitalized or not but no sense dwelling on that.
“Hmmm... Sounds gross,” you say. Then you say, “Well.. Maybe... I'll give it a try”. That's precisely why I plunked down my $12. Also, that's less than $1 per percent alcohol, which is nothing to be sneezed at in this economy!
How was it?
Well, you know how they used to have those Resee's Peanut Butter Cup commercials where, in the end, a happy accident brings chocolate and peanut butter together to make a wonderful candy treat? This is pretty much the polar opposite of that.
There are words in English that are technically synonyms but imply otherwise. You would probably want to be involved in a “plan” versus a “scheme”, for instance. You might feel more comfortable plugging in an electric “device” than a “contraption” as well.
This is not a “mixture”... it is a “concoction”.
It has the color of effluent (name your favorite) and the consistency of warm Ranch Dressing. It attempts to seduce you with its label proudly claiming 14% alcohol, but neglects to say that the other 86% is some kind of twisted joke on your senses. I have never read the warning “CONTAINS SULFITES” and thought to myself “Oh, thank God!” before today.
In case I am coming across as a wine snob, please remember that my bar is set pretty low. I have intentionally drunk poster paint and once seriously considered the merits of Vermouth and melted Pedialyte Popsicles as an after work aperitif (eventually decided against).
Well, I'm sleepy and a little sick for some reason, so, in conclusion, I will say I am sure this stuff makes a great gift, and I highly recommend it to all your friends.
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4 comments:
What an absolutely terrible idea... I guess now we can look forward to Vinegar flavored M&Ms.
Well, thanks for the heads up on the gift idea, but Agmorion and I will stick to the Padialyte and vermouth cocktails!
I tried to warn him. My immediate reaction to seeing the bottle was to throw up just a little bit in my mouth....
Once upon a time, sitting in a Denny’s restaurant with some friends and a lot fewer years of wisdom, I thought it would be a great idea to mix the great taste of Denny’s sausage links and a hot fudge Sundae. For all these years, I have born that badge of shame alone…until today.
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