Trimming the Tree

Our cheap-o artificial Christmas tree died last year after more than a decade of faithful service.  The disintegration process really stepped up its pace over the last couple of years and many of the bendy wire bits were breaking under their own weight.

We decided to go with a real one this year, which is awesome.  I love the smell of a fresh cut pine tree and I even enjoy the ritual of watering it twice a day.

Getting rid of it is kind of a hassle, though. The last time I had one I decided to get rid of it by cutting it to pieces and chucking it in the wood burning stove. 
Oh... My... God...

It looked like a solid cube of angry fire was being barely contained behind the tempered glass, and I would not have been shocked to get a phone call from the neighbors alerting us to the twenty-foot flames roaring out of the top of the chimney.  I am pretty sure it would have been a more controlled burn it I had decided to chuck water balloons filled with gasoline in there instead.

Speaking of things my wife won't let me forget...

A very long time ago when my wife and I were dating my roommate and I got a real tree for the holidays.  We jumped the gun on decorating, and, because we didn't let it settle long enough, it fell over a couple of hours later.  No big deal, but to hear my wife tell it you would swear she was going to whip out an old newspaper with the headline "DOZENS PERISH, HUNDREDS INJURED IN TRAGIC XMAS TREE MISHAP.  ISMAY SAFE, MRS. ASTOR MAYBE, NOTED NAMES MISSING".

To prevent a repeat of that and to offload the blame when it eventually trundles my way,  I asked “the Google” how long a Christmas tree should settle before decorating it.  Basically, the Internet shrugged its shoulders and grumped "I dunno... a day, maybe?".  I was a little surprised there wasn't more of a consensus, but I was even more shocked to read the claim that "there is no wrong way to decorate a Christmas tree"...

Oh, really?  (strokes beard) I accept your challenge...

1. Do not hang the ornaments from the little hooks - use a jai-alai scoop to fire them into the tree at upwards of 100 mph.
2. Use a hot glue gun to affix hundreds and hundreds of grocery store birthday candles to the branches
3. Pour all of your decorations into a giant bin and dip the tree into it and swirl it around as though you were making cotton candy
4. Wind the lights as tightly as possible as though you were hogtying a calf or a damsel before she is placed onto the railroad tracks.
5. Go door to door with the tree asking for one ornament at each house, stone-souping your way to a fully decorated tree.
6. Blindfold and spin each of the decorators around and around pin the tail on the donkey style
7. If it takes two people one hour to decorate a tree, it should take 30 people about 4 minutes.  Try it.

As usual, suggestions welcome.