Cheatsmith

Even WolframAlpha knows the answer to the question “How do I get to Carnegie Hall?”

I am shocked and disgusted that when you ask the Google any question about Rocksmith, though, you are fed page after page of people offering up cheats and hints for the game. Oh, I realize that a lot of the responses from the search engine are automated – it sees you are asking about Game XYZ and it offers up the Cheats and Hints page to XYZ from some game site where you can get infinite lives, unlimited ammo, and a false sense of accomplishment. It's the same mechanism that causes Amazon to unthinkingly ask you if you would like to see a Kindle version of the kid's pop-up book you are ordering. I understand.

If going to these sites twelve minutes after you buy a game is your bag, I've got no issue with that. I'm all like “Whatever, man...” Don't get me wrong, I understand frustration. It's just not my style to throw down my controller, stick out my lip, stomp my foot, and pout “Oh, hard things are hard!” and storm off to find out how to “Up-Up-Down-Down-Left-Right-Left-Right-B-A” my way to success.

After all even I was reaching my limit in GTA San Andreas and would have given anything for just a smidge more RC airplane fuel in that idiotic “Supply Lines” mission. But, after enough flight hours to qualify me for a small aircraft license from the FAA, I did it. I finished a nearly meaningless task. Huzzah.

See, I have a stick-to-it-iveness that borders on the clinically insane for some things. Of course, I have a very W.C. Fields attitude when it comes to lots of other things as well - “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.”

Gosh, I'm complex...

I do have a huge problem with the idea of a Cheats and Hints page for Rocksmith. Now, these pages might be totally automatically generated and completely blank or otherwise devoid of shortcuts – I hope I never find out. I mean, what would be the point? To turn yourself into the guitar playing version of this guy?

I had an epiphany a couple of nights ago. Quite a sobering one, in fact. I was staring down dejectedly at my guitar after yet another failed attempt at the Rolling Stones song “Play With Fire”. Angry. Silent. I felt robbed. Cheated. I knew I was doing everything right, yet I only earned 90% of the points I needed to progress to the next level. What the hell did this freaking thing want? There must be something wrong with the game. Or the guitar. Maybe if I adjusted the delay settings...

Just then the playback started. I usually skip by these because either I pass the song and I want to go on to something else or I fail it and I want another try right away. This time I listened to me playing without the distraction of, well, actually playing.

It was awful. The cacophony that was emanating from my TV speakers... I... I did that...

And then it hit me.

It's me. The problem has always been me. For three full decades I have been blaming the P.O.S. controller or the game or some other imaginary nonsense for what has always been a shortfall of talent on my part. Whether it was failing to guide Pitfall Harry over the scorpion, misjudging a leap to the next girder in Jumpman, getting devoured by hellspawn in Doom, failing to rescue a homie in need in Saint's Row, or missing a power chord switch in Rocksmith, it has always been me. The evidence is right there in beautifully rendered color and faithfully reproduced audio.

Me.

Well, that simply won't do.

I am not a very musical person and I am unfamiliar with most of the songs in this game. Sometimes it feels like I am trying to play a fractal or like I am in an uncontrolled horizontal free-fall into my television as notes and chords with no discernible relationship to those before them or after them zip by me either mangled or completely untouched. It's been that way for each of the songs so far until I have heard them enough to appreciate the structure of the music I am listening to.

I shut down the Xbox and got to work. The main chord progression in “Play With Fire” is G-D-G-C-Em. I know this because I strummed it well over 1,000 times over two day's time on my sofa and out by the grill until I felt I was doing it well enough, fast enough, and consistently enough to try the song again without tripping over the notes that follow it.

It took me a few more tries but I got it. The entertainment-starved virtual people at my gig even enjoyed it.  Cool.

What was even cooler was going back and playing some of the songs and technique challenges that tripped me up so badly earlier in the game. I swear, it looked like the notes were balloons floating at me in bullet time and my hands were acting of their own accord. I still play the songs badly but it does appear that I am learning.

The timing of this article is especially apropos since I just learned that Jimmydunes passed “Surf Hell” by Little Barrie after dozens and dozens of attempts. Congrats, man! I have had that song in my set but at a much simpler level so far than he has to deal with recently. He said that when he finally passed it he felt like handing out cigars. I can totally dig that.

I am currently stuck on “Well OK Honey” by Jenny O. It's a good song to be stuck on. After I nail this one (this week , I think, time permitting) I will play my first 5-song gig, get maddeningly stuck on some other song, rinse, and repeat. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get off my soapbox. Carnegie Hall awaits.