Barack Obama Is Probably Not the Devil

I recently read that 8 percent of all people living in New Jersey think that Barack Obama is the Antichrist as described in the Book of Revelations, and a further 13 percent are “not sure”. Sure the poll was not very scientific, but that's not the point. Start to type in “Book of Revelation” into Google. Look what comes up as the third suggested completion choice - lot of people are looking this stuff up.

Last week Congressman Trent Franks called the President of the United States “an enemy of humanity”. Many people interpreted this out-of-context statement as the honorable gentleman from Arizona calling Mr. Obama the devil (or at least the devil's personal assistant).

I am not a theologian but I have seen a lot of movies and I can honestly say that if the president is the Prince of Darkness, well... they just don't make Princes of Darkness like they used to. Here is my list of reasons why our current President is not Ol' Scratch:

1. Super Dull Beginnings: His birth certificate says he's he was uneventfully born in a Hawaiian hospital. The devil's birth would have been a complicated affair involving a jackal mother and the violent/suspicious deaths of all involved. When everyone on a maternity ward decides to hang themselves simultaneously or just go mad, then you can be more sure of supernatural shenanigans.
2. No Cloven Anything: If he was not whelped here on the material plane, he might not have a belly button (silly Antichrists are always forgetting details like that). We have all seen the pictures of the Commander-in-Chief without his shirt on. No anomalies other than he is in way better shape than 99.9% of the people under his charge. Annoying, yes. Evil, no.
3. Can't Do Attitude: Say what you will about his methods, the Antichrist, traditionally, is known for his ability to get things done. Barack Obama does not appear to have this trait. Look, if Satan wants to have Death Panels whack grandma when she gets the sniffles, then, by gum, he is going to have Death Panels. He is not going to bother to try to sneak them through via an excruciatingly long and boring legislative process.
4. Open Opposition: If someone dared to yell out “You lie!” in the middle of one of Beelzebub's speeches that person would have been instantly immolated in a burst of hellfire, or at least killed in an interesting but extremely unlikely accident within a few days of his outburst. For the same reason people would be much better behaved at town hall meetings. Don't even get me started about the tortures that await Glen Beck.
5. Pleasant Odor: Speaking of smoke, the devil should smell like it, shouldn't he? The President of Venezuela himself made a point of saying could not detect that tell-tale hint of brimstone after Obama spoke at the U.N, and that guy is probably an expert.
6. No Theme Music: Barack Obama is not followed around by creepy pseudo-Latin choral chanting. Dead giveaway, that.
7. Joe Biden: All literature on the subject would seem to strongly indicate that the Antichrist does not, I repeat, not have a wacky, bumbling sidekick.
8. No Male Heir: He has two kids, both girls. The Antichrist has one male child to pass the reins to... I guess for when His Immortal Badness gets tired of full time genocide and takes up golf and genocides only on a strictly part-time basis, you know, just until the boy comes up to speed and then he's out of there... Once the boy gets the hang of the earthquakes... Always wanting to do things his own way... And the locusts can be tricky to handle... Maybe in a few more weeks he'll be ready... (Some old guys never retire, I tell ya. Sad, really.)
9. He's Unfashionably Early. According to the Book of Revelation, by now we should have seen whole bunches of terrifyingly cool stuff happen like stars falling from the sky and oceans of blood and the certain believers disappearing with a smug little POOF before he finally makes his appearance somewhere toward the middle of the second act.
10. No Lame Tattoos: During his reign people should only be able to buy and trade if they have a special sign visible on their hand or forehead (Rev 13:17). I have not had any trouble buying beer at 7-11 and I have not seen ads for “Mark of the Beast Double Coupon Thursdays” at the local Food Lion so I am guessing cash is fine for now.

No... Barack Obama might be a lot of things: a Kenyan, a communist, a terrorist, a socialist, and a lawyer, but I am at least 80% sure he is not the Prince of Darkness.

Unless that's just what he wants us to think...

Oh, he's good...