So, despite the floundering economy and your complete lack of tangible abilities you managed to trick some folks into hiring you for what I am sure is a very important position. Congratulations are in order!
Or are they?
Did you miss some danger signs that are often overlooked by overeager new hires? Take this quiz to find out if you should take the job or if you should go back to Johnny Appleseeding your resume around the country and watching The Price is Right. Enjoy!
1) The people who interviewed you were:
A) mostly dressed in suits and ties
B) mostly undressing you with their eyes
C) forcibly undressing you with their hands and teeth
2) Your new workspace could be described by people 100 years from now as:
A) an efficient if Spartan design
B) the primary reason behind The Collapse of the Long Long Ago
C) a den of sinful depravity the likes of which humanity had never seen
3) When you first saw your potential workspace what struck you as most impressive?
A) How shiny and new everything looked.
B) The fact that a CSI team could probably reconstruct a complete sandwich with all the nasty crud that was jammed in the keyboard and mouse.
C) When the light comes through the window just right, you can just make out the words "KILL ME" smeared onto the desk in what seems to be the previous occupant's tears.
4) Describe the bathrooms.
A) Clean and available.
B) 4 toilets for the 4 women that work there, 2 urinals and 2 toilets for the 96 men that work there. Tough but fair.
C) Number of "Wash your Hands" signs are inversely proportional to soap and paper towel availability.
.
5) The interviewers told you that meetings where you work will be:
A) A weekly necessary evil for the efficient running of the company.
B) An daily unnecessary evil - more of a diabolical hobby, really.
C) Ten times longer than they need to be because they are dominated by one or two people that won't shut up with the wacky side comments.
6) The breakroom:
A) is a place to get soda or snacks
B) is a place to get soda or snacks assuming you have exact change in nothing but nickels and enjoy two-year-old Munchos and Tab.
C) has a microwave that it so filthy it is technically more "animal" or "vegetable" than "mineral".
7) How did you find out about the position?
A) Internet.
B) Guys in a black van kidnapped you while you were mowing the lawn.
C) Frothing madman on a streetcorner yelling random things at traffic mentioned it.
8) Why is the position open?
A) Company is growing.
B) Something about the volcano god demanding something...
C) Some guys in a black van came and got the other guy.
9) Your future boss appears:
A) smarter than the average bear.
B) angrier than the average bear.
C) smarter than the average chair.
10) On the brief company tour, what most describes the impression you got from seeing management interact with employees?
A) Aloof professionalism.
B) A definite pre-revolutionary France "let them eat cake" vibe.
C) Close relationship enjoyed by Skeksies and Gelflings.
.
.
11) Regardless of how you actually answered the question, how did your gut respond when they asked "Where do you see yourself in 5 years"?
A) "Managing this division."
B) "Drinking wine from the skulls of my vanquished coworkers."
C) "Technology permitting, a little less than 5 light-years away from this awful, awful place."
12) Describe the vacation and sick leave package they offered you.
A) 2 weeks paid vacation 1 week sick leave per year.
B) 2 weeks total per year, but no days can be consecutive or border a weekend or holiday.
C) 2 weeks total per year, but specialized video cameras deduct bathroom breaks, sneezing, blinking, and happy thoughts automatically.
13) When they formally offered you the position, how did they notify you?
A) Letter in the mail.
B) Drunken rant on YouTube.
C) HR rep standing in your yard holding a boombox playing Peter Gabriel.
.
.
If you answered mostly "A", you should be good to go. If you answered mostly "B" or "C" you might want to draw unemployment for a little while longer. Hope this helps.
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