Return to Childhood

Adults lead stressful lives - that's kind of the definition of "adulthood", really - but sometimes it can get to be a little much.  My not-yet-two-year-old son seems pretty happy so I asked him for some simple pointers we adults could use to regain a little bit of our childlike wonder.  Here's what he came up with:

1) Don't walk.  Ever.  Madly dash at 90% of your top speed when traveling between any two points, regardless of distance.  You should flail your limbs wildly as though you were in a barely controlled horizontal free-fall. Furthermore, it should take you no more than two steps to achieve that velocity from a standing start.

2) Don't just fall, sprawl.  Don't try to catch yourself if you trip or if you start to lose your balance because you are taking corners at 90% of your top speed.  Just go from vertical to horizontal in the least acrobatic way possible. You will know if you have pulled it off successfully if people around you wince and suck air in between their teeth as they watch your ungraceful impact.

3) Bump your head at least a dozen times a day. Few people know that one of the ancillary uses of a skull is to determine the location of objects around you much like a cat uses its whiskers or a blind person uses a cane.  For the right effect, make sure that you rack your noggin hard enough for it to slightly dislodge whatever it is you hit, whether it be a toybox, a table, or a doorframe.  Act utterly surprised and bewildered at the apparent sudden materialization of the object that attacked you.

4) Look someone dead in the eye while pooping. Now, it will be instantly obvious what's going on to whoever is around you, so immediately start denying it even before you finish. If denial doesn't work, try and change the subject. Madly switch between topics in the hopes that the witness will be distracted enough to forget that you just soiled yourself. Some topic suggestions include describing the color of objects around you or recapping a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episode in a rapid-fire disjointed manner.  After changing the subject fails, try and offer the witness something. Any random object will do as long as it is nearby.  Continue until you run out of objects to offer.  Then cry.

5) At mealtime, people around you should be absolutely shocked that anything at all gets in your mouth. Insist on using a fork and spoon that are 3 to 4 times as large as your hands. Eat corn with your fingers, nibblet by nibblet. Having pizza?  Don't start at the point or with the crust or even one of the sides.  Your first bite should be smack in the center of the slice  This will rip the cheese and toppings off in one giant piece and paint most of your face and neck with sauce so just let it drop onto your chest if it is too much to handle. By following these tips your dinner companions should start off amused but end up impatient and disgusted.

6) Wear t-shirts with enormous lettering with generic statements such as MONKEY or SPORTS STAR or ROCKET SHIP.  The clothes should look like they would fit someone either twice as big or twice as small as you, but never, ever anyone exactly your size.

7) Turn bathtime from a mundane, relaxing affair into one giant emotional roller-coaster ride from start to finish. Start by crying as you disrobe and run the tub.  Then giggle with glee as you take a few naked laps around the house (don't forget to run at near top speed). Cry again as you enter the tub then start splashing with joy for a full minute. Calm down and relax while playing with upwards of two dozen bath toys. Get bored and start ejecting the toys from the tub. Cry angrily as the water is drained.  Ramp up the anger as you dry yourself off and get dressed.  Run around with glee afterwards.  It doesn't really matter in what order you leap from personality to personality - people should just be impressed with your ability to switch between emotions faster than a bipolar, coked-up hummingbird.

Of course, I am paraphrasing a lot of what he said, here.  But following these simple guidelines is not only a good way to get in touch with your inner child, it will allow you to get in touch with the paramedics, the unemployment office, the parole boards, and maybe even the staff at the mental hospital. 

Good luck!