Gold? Frankincense? Myrrh? Are you nuts!?! Have you seen the price of gold lately? Don’t you know the danger the Boswellia sacra tree is in, uh... apparently? And don’t even get me started on that scumbag back-alley religious goods dealer I usually go to. That guy has cut my dime-bags with baking soda and bdellium for the last time, yo.
What? Oh, bdellium? Surely, you know... Silent ‘b’? It’s a common adulterant for myrrh. Harumph! I say, thought everyone knew that, Dear Boy. Don’t they teach the ABC’s in school anymore? My word...
I... I’m sorry for the last paragraph. I don’t know what came over me. I am usually at least 25% less pretentious than that in real life. It’s just that a friend of mine got me this monocle for Christmas and I fall under its spell every once in a while when I get too close to it and then I’m all like “Egad!” this and “Your cannonball, sir” that... There it is up there in the pic next to the number one.
Why did he get me this? It’s sort of a running joke that I think started when he was saddled with some very vocal silver-spoon interns to babysit for some sort of summer program. They whined about the most ridiculous stuff and the gag between us became one of “boo-hoo, my office barely accommodates my polo pony and it doesn’t even have it’s own closet for my opera cloak”. It has sort of morphed into him mocking me for owning an Apple product, although I am not really sure how that came to be...
In any case, it is shockingly comfortable to wear, but, sadly, it is not my prescription, so I will just use it for attending church services, picking my kid up from school, and job interviews.
He also got me thing number two called the Eviltron. It, too, is awesome, and a lot more twisted. When you press the button on the back it periodically makes noises (scratches, whispers, giggles, etc.) separated by long stretches of silence. It has a magnet for easily hiding it, say, on the back of a file cabinet or the underside of a metal desk drawer. I won’t go into any more detail other than to say whoever did the audio for the “Hey, can you hear me?” sound needs to win some sort of prize for Creepiest Vocals in a Toy Ever. Man, that dude really nailed it.
By definition, it is meant to be re-gifted. Think about it. Are you going to put this in your own office? No. When the person you are torturing with it finds it (always a possibility) are you likely to get it back? No (well, maybe in pieces). Also, is it possible that the DHS would unintentionally get involved if a particularly paranoid person found this “unidentified electronic device” mounted to the underside of their office chair? You betcha.
Number three is a custom deck of cards my wife had made from one of my three-year-old’s drawings he called “Oh, It’s Just a Monster Party”. It is one of my favorites and I will cherish these cards always. She had it done through Snapfish and I guess they can do all sorts of custom stuff fairly cheaply, even for small lots, so check it out.
Thanks again for the touching Christmas swag guys!
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment