Indestructible Piñatas

The boy turned five recently. The theme of the party (since all kids parties need to be "themed", apparently) was supposed to be a Star Wars sort of thing but Legos got wrapped up in there somehow and also it was at a pool. Oh, yeah, the piñata was a T-Rex, assuming T-Rexes ran around dressed like flamenco dancers.

C'mon folks, get it together here... You're all over the map.

The piñata was a (nearly literally) last minute addition to the festivities. The wife had the idea we could get a soccer ball piñata and paint it like the Death Star or something. Unfortunately, the party store didn't carry what she was looking for so she picked up the T-Rex, which was a decent substitution (like any kid he likes dinosaurs). Since it was the night before the party there was pretty much no way I was going to able to do anything...

With...

It...  

Sigh... Even if the idea for painting it to look like a ton-ton or an AT-RT had occurred to me before right this second...  Damn it, why didn't I think of that earlier...  Doesn't matter, doesn't matter...

Anyway, we didn't even have anything to whack it with.  She suggested we could use the boy’s wooden baseball bat. Sure... What could go wrong?  Let's blindfold a bunch of clumsy, sugar-high, pool-water wet, sunscreen-slathered three-to-six-year-olds, hand them a heavy, polished piece of lumber and tell them to just go nuts. I suggested if we do go with the bat idea, we should probably bring extra Baggies to the party so that the guests could have something to carry each others' shattered teeth home in.

For you see, kids standing around a piñata know the following things:

1. Friends never, ever hit friends.  I am safe around friends.
2. Once that thing breaks, I will get candy.
3. I will get more candy if I get there first, so I need to be one quarter of an inch closer than the person on my left and on my right. This requires vigilance and constant adjustment.
4. Every time an adult yells something along the lines of "GET BACK!!", I need to back up two inches per swear word they just used to make them stop yelling, although its not clear why.  Don't these stupid grown-ups know #1 above?

The following morning (the day of the party) I dove into my wood supply to see what we could use instead of the Louisville Involuntary Manslaughter-er.  I had a six-foot hunk of 1-1/4” oak dowel (um... no) a bunch of one-foot poplar dowels of the same thickness (again, no) and a four-foot poplar 1/2 inch thick piece.

Ahhh... now we’re on to something.  I grabbed a chunk of the one-foot poplar dowel and cut a few inches off of it.  After that, I bored a 1/2 inch hole down the center a bit, cut the 1/2 inch thick piece down a bit, and slotted it into the thicker piece.  After adding some grooves with a Dremmel, a “button” out of some scrap pine, and painting the thing grey and red I had the light saber you see in the pic below.  The paint had dried just in time for the party.

We found a convenient overhead branch to tie it to and let the kids have at it, yanking them back out of the Danger Zone when they needed to be.  We decided not to blindfold them before they swung because, as the saying goes, “Prudence is the better part of not being sued by outraged parents”.

After about twelve hundred whacks, I called for a TO and inspected the still very much intact piñata.  I ripped it a little to get it going and told the kids to go on.  After another four hundred and sixty five whacks I called for another time out and really tore it.  That’s when I noticed that it was constructed primarily of corrugated shipping cardboard.  You know, the stuff they ship other stuff in so it doesn’t get damaged.  Check out the pic on the left.

Before all was said and done, the dowel had broken in two (yikes!) and I was forced to tear the thing in twain and simply dump the candy on the ground.  Weak, right?  Wrong.  The kids couldn’t have cared less - the ends justified the means, in their opinion.  Plus now they could get back to swimming, so, like, whatever.

So, the lesson here seems to be if you are ever in need of a piñata (hey, it could happen) just make it yourself.  If not, you might find yourself wishing for a real light saber just to put a dent in the sucker.

Can't Fault the Logic, I Guess...

(Screen grab from wvec.com earlier today)

Queen?  I had no idea that was an option.  Now that is gonna be a wedding for the record books...

Animal, Vegetable, AND Mineral?

I haven't been Geocaching too much lately... I was disappointed to find out the off-trail forest hikes I normally like to do are much less of an option around this time of year unless I wanted to emerge from the woods "more deer-tick than man".  

My last attempt a couple of days after a big downpour was a miserable failure.  At a local public park I was driven back by a black cloud of mosquitos only yards into the hike and I hadn't yet stepped foot off the path.  I was likewise thwarted from retrieving a cache from near the local library by a one-two punch of cargo-net-thick spider webs and a poison ivy farm.  I have solved a few puzzle-related caches and done some recon to determine their exact location for later, but that's about it for the off-trail stuff.

I guess I will pick it up again in earnest (Autumn?) once the weather, terrain, and wildlife stop being so Jumanji-y.  In the meantime there are always tons of caches more in the open.  The city ones are usually too small to hold cool stuff - usually they contain just the log to sign.  I prefer the larger ones that have say, Dollar Store trinkets or Matchbox Cars or hundreds upon hundreds of... eeeeeeewwwwwwwwww... earwigs...

That one was in a birdhouse on the perimeter of a local cemetery.  After spraying the cache with a generous dose of OFF, I took this pic, braved the still-wriggling horde, signed the log and left a trinket.  I didn't take anything in trade except for a huge case of the willies.

And I thought it was gross running into caches filled with stagnant rainwater...  What a great hobby!

Oh, yeah, before I forget: Not only do cemeteries usually have a good number of easy-to-get caches, did you know that if you are being pestered by certain folks for "a couple of bucks" or "a gas can" you can ditch them by walking confidently onto cemetery grounds?  It's true!  I'm telling you, with this one dude he stopped so suddenly it was like watching a bird smack into a window.  Uncanny.  

Bugs and rainwater notwithstanding, some caches do contain some pretty interesting things.  For example:

Also this:

I left both the dollar and the ultrasound in the cache for others to see.  Not too sure what to make of the dollar, but I sure hope that woman had a good pregnancy...

The pic in the upper left of this post is the current state of the Geo-Junk Clock I made (and, technically, am still making) for my son's room.  Some of the pieces had fallen off and had to be re-attached with epoxy instead of hot glue, so what you see here might have stuff that's been slightly shifted around.  I am running out of space so I am not sure how much more I will attach before I call it "done".  A couple dozen more things, tops, I guess.

But I think I might just have an idea for what to do with any extra stuff beyond that.  We'll see... :)

  

Firing the Trainer

Two weeks ago I finished up my fifth month of routines using Nike+ Kinect Training. I earned 35,000 Nike+ points, burned about 18,000 calories, attended about 100 training sessions and earned most of the achievements that don't require you to create yet another pointless online account somewhere in the holy name of social media.

I did not miss a scheduled session, skip any workouts, or forgo any stretches. The cumulative time spent using this software over the past 20 (or so) weeks was a little shy of 48 hours. I stuck with the "Get Lean" option mainly because it seemed like a good compromise between what was probably pure aerobics and pure muscle work. Plus, keeping with the one option allowed me to have an apples to apples comparison of month to month progress. 

As I progressed through the software and my monthly fit test scores ratcheted slowly upward, the computer-selected aerobics workouts which started at a convenient 25 or so minutes morphed into 45-minute "man, I am totally gonna be late for work" slog-fests.  I had to start getting up even earlier than I had been to compensate. 

I don't remember the exact numbers for my fit score when I first started using this software (the program history only keeps the last 4 for some reason) but I think I was able to increase both the "endurance" and "athleticism" metrics (whatever the heck those terms mean here) each by about 25 to 35%. My score is good enough where I am told I am "above average" regardless of the age group I select to compare myself to. That's a great ego booster and all but, honestly, unless the focus groups involved in determining those averages included the permanently bedridden, people who were severely hungover, and perhaps even the recently deceased, I am thinking those numbers were simply pulled out of thin air. 

The software does well what it does well.  It provides a structured regimen that uses a system of points and achievements to help motivate the user into performing more exercises and with better form.  It is not designed to drag you out of bed or to padlock your pantry or fridge.  It's not your buddy (although it sometimes tries to be and fails) nor is it your enemy (although it does seem intentionally malicious at times). 

It was great for augmenting my gym workouts and eventually I dropped using the treadmill there altogether, saving myself 30 minutes of high-speed trudging in the evening.  I worked up more of a sweat and got a more thorough leg workout with the routines in this software package than I ever did doing my boulder-less, motivation-less, impression of Sisyphus every night.  I still did hiking, biking, swimming (well... wading and keeping an eye on the four-year-old, really) and other jazz on the weekends. 

Like I've said before, there is no such thing as a perfect piece of exercise software.  Make peace with that.  But, good Lord, using this title at least three times a week for 5 months really showcased so many annoyances, quirks, and straight up bugs that  all I wanted to do sometimes was to kick a hole in the TV. Here are some examples:

• It recognized me correctly twice, misidentified me twice, and didn't even try the other 95% of the time I logged in.  I am guessing this has to do with my height. Moving and calibrating the Kinect had no effect.
• The workout time is not logged on the calendar correctly.  Before a workout, it shows you the number of active minutes but post-workout it shows something else... not sure, really.  Whatever it is, though, if it is above 59:59, the end gets partly chopped off.   
• Only the past 4 fit test results are kept for some reason. 
• Literally two seconds into a 15 second "square hop" routine, you are ordered to change direction from clockwise to counterclockwise. 
• If you do not start the exercise the nanosecond your avatar turns white, you get dinged for bad form ( for example, during a High Knees exercise you are told to "Get those knees up!" right out of the gate). Trying to start the exercise a bit early does not help since your avatar will not be in the "correct position", so the routine won't start. On the bright side they do say "Good correction!" about 1 second after they get done berating you. 
• Humans have mass, inertia, and a realistic response to the force of gravity. The trainers do not.
• While it is physically possible to perform jumping jacks at trainer Marie's speed, the Kinect lags to the point where you actually earn less Nike Fuel points than you did by going slower. 
• I doubt trainer Alex could, in real life, "Star Jump" for 60 seconds that fast, that consistently, and, above all, that high, all the time yelling at me that I'm doing it all wrong.  At the end of a minute of that nonsense, I am mostly relying on the weight of my arms tossed in the general direction of "up" to maybe lift my exhausted body a nanometer above the carpet.  
• Sometimes my avatar would simply disappear.  Poof. Gone.  This sucked during Mountain Climbers especially since you face away from the TV and the audio cues that indicate something is wrong are covered up by your own exhausted panting. I might give that one a pass if I thought it was because of the floor position of the exercise, but I have seen it happen while I was standing during "Split Decision" rounds, too. 
• Sometimes an errant hand wave or cough (or both, maybe) screws with the software. I can't be any more specific than that since stuff happens and menus pop up so fast at that point I am not sure what audio-and/or-gesture-based menu options have been automatically triggered. Once I was bent over wheezing "oh my God I'm gonna freakin die" with my hands on my hips and I was somehow rewarded with my 30 second break being immediately skipped. Another time I was 43 seconds into an exhausting 45 second "Star Jump" routine when my wife noisily opened a bag of chips downstairs somehow tacking an additional 90 seconds onto the hated exercise. I know that one sounds like a joke but it's true, and that was the last time I used the software at night with other people awake in the house. 

• It does not recognize me doing some exercises and stretches correctly, regardless of what I try. 
• Lunge Jumps (part of the Leg Matrix) are simply not counted.  "Return to the lunge position" they shout "I am in the freaking lunge position, you [string of near-random, semi-intelligible expletives deleted] I wheeze while watching the fuel meter drop to zero. 
• High Knees, if they are part of the Star Jump Combo, are counted at about 25% what they should be. High knees by themselves are fine.  Star jumps by themselves are likewise fine. 
• During one stretch I forget the name of, I am constantly ordered to "keep my back leg straight" even though it is obvious from the avatar it couldn't be straighter. However, bending the front leg more somehow appeases the software. 
• In preparation for doing Leg Swings you are told to stand there with one hand on your hip in the classic "I'm a little teapot" pose. No matter where I have my right hand ( from my armpit down to my thigh) it's wrong and I have to wait for the body tracking to be disabled. 
• Occasionally I will be told to face the TV, even while standing there facing the TV readying myself for an exercise called "Split Decision"
• During Inchworms it has accused me 100% of the time of not raising my hands above my head at the start. Mind you, it cannot see anything above eye level for me regardless of where I have the Kinect sensor, so I guess when my arms go up and up and up then disappear from my avatar, it assumes they actually did disappear and they could be anywhere in the universe... You know... Quantum mechanics and all. 
• During squats of any kind, my weight is not on my heels like it should be. Ever, apparently. 
• According to the software I cannot successfully make a simple "Y" shape with my arms. I am likewise flummoxed by the acts of running in place, sitting still with my feet straight out in front of me, and holding my arms out to the side. 

The list goes on and on, and I didn't quit the exercise just because it confused my shirt sleeve with a body part or whatever. The point is that I had to hear, about five times a day, that I have struggled with these in the past but today I know you are really going to nail these.   "Oh, really?" I think. "Well, prepare to be disappointed again, there, blind-y... Oh, what now?  Is this better?  MY HAND IS ON MY FRICKIN HIP!!! SEE?!"  Reminds me of this: 

• Sometimes the trainer does an extra set after the counter gets to zero and your score stops accumulating. Should you follow suit or will you get dinged for bad form? Sometimes they quit with six seconds left on the clock, and if you match the trainer's pose like you “should” you get yelled at for quitting early. 
• Literally three seconds into a 60 second routine you are sometimes told "you're coming up on your personal best". Also, your personal best is not displayed until afterwards, and does not correspond to the time you were allotted to do the routine. For example, your personal best could be based on a 60-second routine but you are only doing a 30-second one at the time.  Worse, your personal best could be some score you got doing challenges which in no way compares to what you can get during the actual exercise - it could be different by hundreds of points. 
• The Quick Start sessions are a way to add an aerobics or upper body session whenever you want. That's great and all but the program absolutely sucks at spacing out exercises that work out the same muscle groups.  Doing a set of Side Planks followed immediately by a set of Rotating Side Planks is painful and stupid.  I mentioned before about a 5-set run of Star Jumps, High Knees, and Star Jump Combos, and all I could think was "Not 'Happy Birthday'! Not 'Happy Birthday'!"

• Speaking of the quick start sessions, the randomness of the workout is spoiled somewhat by a bug that accidentally  reveals the next "secret" exercise and its duration before your 30 second break after a routine. After the break, the words and duration of the next round ( which have been visible the whole time) are covered and the trainer says "Ok, let's see what you get..." and does this semi-dramatic reveal of the info you already knew.    
• The trainers mostly use the same script, although there are some differences.  Alex's tone is a little too pumped to take seriously (Today we're gonna push. WE'RE GONNA PUSH!!!) and I don't like when he calls me a "tiger". Marie seems to insist that I find many of the exercises easier than I have in the past because I have built up my thigh muscles.  I don't... especially when she is talking about, say, plank-to-push ups or virtually every other non-thigh-related exercise. 
• The trainers yell at you from the moment they tell you what exercise you are doing next until you are in position. If you are standing and you find out you are doing push-ups next, the only way to get into position fast enough for them not to say "Down on the floor, please!"  is to simply go boneless and collapse.  
• Although I have done 5 sessions in a week, I have not been awarded the congratulatory video associated with that. I can only assume that is a bug based on how the software defines "week". If it means, say, Sunday midnight to Saturday 11:59 pm, or if it means "any 168 consecutive hours" I should have gotten it. If it means Wednesday morning at 6:38 to Wednesday morning at 6:38" it might have counted one extra for one week and one for another week since I don't start or finish precisely at the same time each day. 
• There is no easy way to see your rank for challenges when comparing your score against the rest of the world. It is one long continuous list you have to scroll through. Unless you suspect you are in 50th place or better when compared to the two hundred thousand other folks out there, it's prohibitive to even check. 
• Unless you decide to immediately follow up a session with another identical session, you are forced to do another warmup routine before the second session starts. This wastes time and is boring to boot. 
• There are no extended (two minute) breaks in jump in sessions. During regular aerobics sessions they are at the midway point. This might be intentional but its a pretty unpleasant surprise to discover that fact during an hour long drill. 
• During the fit tests, you are told to run with High Knees for 30 seconds. You have three chances, and they say they will "only" use your best score. That's just idiotic. I can't imagine the second or third round EVER being better than the first. You sprint as fast as you can, get a 30 second break, run again, break again, then run. Those other two runs are probably not just thrown away, though. I base this on my last fit score where I beat my records for everything except the High Knees, which I tied. My score came in one point less than my all time high - the only difference seems to be the number of reps I did during the last two sets of the High Knees. 

• Expansion packs (I think there are two) are constantly advertised at you when you start the software.

There are other issues with the title, but those are the main ones. Although I would give the title an overall thumbs-up, after five months these tiny things get a little (read: a lot) grating, so I quit. 

Well, I quit using that title for now, I mean. Two and a half weeks ago I started using Your Shape Fitness Evolved 2012 instead. So far it's been a nice change. By the end of tomorrow morning I will have completed my first "objective" (do 360 minutes of "approved" exercises in 4 weeks).

I have already collected enough info on this title to remind me of why I stopped using it in the first place but I think I will stick with this one for a couple more months just to see if the positives outweigh the negatives like they did for the Nike+ Kinect Training.