Milk Hand, Cookie Hand

Saw this today in the parking lot of my gym.  The thing that annoys me the most about this is that it seems  (from the arrow on the left) that someone in the past started to paint, realized their "mistake", then "corrected" it half-way through.

Puzzle for Charity News

Notice: I have decided to close out the current Puzzle for Charity one month from today.

Why?  Well, there are a few reasons, but the most important is that I want to go in a new direction with the puzzles I make and I don’t want to juggle several different puzzle types.

One month from now I will move it to the Secret Puzzle Page, shut down the prize pool, and send a $50 check to the Lake Country SPCA.

Until then, Good Luck!

You're Just Not Thinking Fourth Dimensionally

Let’s see... I haven’t put up anything on The Fridge in a while.  Let’s dig through the archives and see what we can find.  Ah... December 7, 2011.  This will work.

This is the three-year-old's first attempt at unsolicited writing something other than his name.  At the top on the right is his name, and on the left he claims it says Best Daddy.  I get the “B”and the “E”.  The "S" is a huge stretch but since he often draws "N"s and "Z"s and "2"s and "5"s at odd angles (like the "N" in his name), I suppose I can give him a pass. The "T" might have started off as a "T" and then got morphed into an "H", but the rest just looks like Woodstock is telling off Snoopy or something.  

Lazy, lazy child.  No focus, I tell you.

You might be wondering about the composition.  

I have learned that when he (and many children, I suppose) draw something, they don't limit themselves to drawing a scene frozen in time like you or I would.  They are drawing that scene and all of the stuff that happened before and after the main event.  Also, they draw stuff that they are reminded of while they are in the process of making the main scene.

If an adult created in this manner, you would call in a prescription for Thorazine.   But this isn't crazy. The little ones are working with all the tools they know how to use and they are trying to tell a story, not just "draw something". This makes a lot of their artwork look like someone took two or three random View-Master disks, crammed them into the slot, then had only a couple of minutes to reproduce what they saw.

Their works of art are less like snapshots and more like totem poles, really. If you know what to look for (it takes practice and asking the exact right questions without leading the narrative) you can sometimes get the whole story.  Just don't wait too long asking the questions - that free-form stuff doesn't stay in long-term memory so you end up getting a lot of I-dunno-your-guess-is-as-good-as-mine shoulder shrugging.

So, instead of just assuming that this was a happy, stumpy free-fall potato worshiping a piece of toast that miraculously bears the visage of our Lord and Savior - the noo-nee-noo-nee-noo typewriter guy from old-school Sesame Street - I know better.  That's the boy on the left and that's me on the right.  That's what I would look like if I were dressed up like the main robot from WALL-E  then became trapped in a hay bale.  The little triangle thing in the middle is a monster fish, he says.  After that fish swam up, we all went to jail.

See.  Not crazy at all.

Level Up

I have been playing Rocksmith for about five and a half months now.  On October 31st of last year I called out Jimmydunes and challenged him to a guitar play-off:

... But one thing is certain... I am looking forward to stomping the living hell out of Jimmydunes in multi-player someday in the not-so-unthinkably-distant future. I am thinking something by The Black Keys. How's that for a gauntlet, bro?

He countered with:

Right! Six month point challenge. Loser has to buy the winner one of three prizes: 1)A new car 2)A new guitar of their choice 3)A switch-blade pocket comb.

Well, since I was a total newcomer to guitar and he had quite a bit of background I just knew I was going to be out one sweet switch-blade pocket comb.  But it was all good.  The rules were simple: no cheats and no DLC.  

Game on.

We used to keep approximate tabs on each other but we officially called off the contest once we learned that the point system could be unintentionally cheated due to various bugs or programming shortfalls we discovered as the months sailed by.  To further complicate matters, one update to the game, while very valuable and awesome at its core, turned one path down the Rocksmith road into too many to count, effectively preventing us from meaningfully comparing points as a measure of our progress.

So, the six-month challenge that would have ended April 30th is no more.  We toyed with replacement ideas but nothing felt right. Most number of Master-level songs by a certain date, best score after one week of practice of a randomly picked DLC, and even “first to play something in public” were all rejected for one reason or another.

All was sadness until a Guitar Center catalog showed up in the mail.  I flipped through it and started laughing at some of the offerings.  My wife wanted to know what was so funny and I showed her some of the good-quality-but-visually-over-the-top items like this Dean Dime-O-Flame:

She laughed and said “I’ll tell you what.  You get to Level 9 in your game and you can have that one.” (I had just crossed into Level 7 at the time) “Really?” I laughed.  “Yes.” she laughed.

Fine.  Game on.

There are too many rules to list completely, but, since most of them are honor-based it really doesn’t matter anyway.  I have no intention of cheating. 

1. No points outside of the Events and Technique Challenges are allowed.  That is, no DLC and no arrangements not called for by a setlist.  (Since all of my points come from precisely those things anyway, that’s really not a problem).
2. Future extraneous “failed gig points” don’t count - the old ones can stay, though.
3. No modifying events, including reducing the passing scores or switching events - default gigs only.  (I have never done any of these things, anyway, so, again, not a problem).
4. I need to change the strings on my guitar.  I have never done this and I need to learn how to perform this simple piece of maintenance before even considering getting another guitar.  These strings are the original ones and , quite literally, have many, many miles on them now.   

So, with that, I get ready to tune my guitar and do my first run-through of my most recent Level 8 setlist. I think my wife is getting nervous.  She probably, and rightly, thinks that style of guitar is better suited to a third-rate 1980s heavy-metal cover band’s back-up player.  My response to that is “Pfft.  I wish I could play that well... A deal’s a deal.”

Assuming I “win” (which should be around Father’s Day) I think I will actually get something more dignified like this Schecter Guitar Research Hellraiser Special:

That would be sweet, but you know what would be even more dignified? A set of fitted Callaways.  I have not golfed in many years and I have never broken 100... Maybe my next goal should be to shoot in the mid-80s...

Hmmm... Game on...?

Melts In Your Car, Not In Your Hands

We stained our fingertips rainbow colors last night, as is our yearly Easter tradition.  Also some eggs got dyed, but that was incidental.

Speaking of yearly tradition, I got a dress shirt and matching tie chosen by my son and vetted by my wife.  This year’s color is an equal mix of periwinkle, lilac, and ultraviolet.  I look forward to sporting these sateen abominations tomorrow during church and during any future job interviews for the position of “Most Flamboyant Game Show Host Ever”, apparently.  

Oh, the pic?  On the left we have a pile of 81 80 79 78 pieces of too-delicious sponge candy, imported from a far away land on the magical shores of Lake Erie.  Thanks, sis!  It was an awesome surprise to see the box on the porch.  

On the right we have what it would look like if a chocolate version of Rocky Dennis was in a transporter accident and then was forced to look inside the Ark of the Covenant. It answers the question “Do you think the chocolate will be OK in the car if we go to lunch?” quite nicely, don’tcha think?

Happy Easter, everyone!

For External Use Only

In response to a thinly veiled threat of greivous bodily harm I bought some Girl Scout cookies from a friend a little while ago.  Actually, I didn’t mind much.  Paying twenty bucks for, like, twelve or so cookies seems totally reasonable and completely fair (smile and nod).  The Samoas (the chocolate coconut ones) are good, and the Thin Mints are ok, but I think they must have changed the recipe for the Tagalongs recently.  

Wikipedia describes these treats as “Crispy vanilla cookies layered with peanut butter and covered with a chocolate coating” but I’m not so sure.  My guess is that they are actually filled with some sort of lightly peanut-scented whipped grease.  A detailed analysis of the “chocolate” shows the coating to be 1% cocoa, 34% brown acrylic paint, and 65% disappointment. The carton proudly advertises “100% Recycled Paperboard”, which is what I guess the “crispy vanilla cookie” part is made from.   

I know I used to love these things, and maybe this is just one dude’s opinion but consider this: You know that you have a pretty crummy cookie on your hands when your three-year-old excitedly grabs two, tastes the first one, looks at the second one suspiciously, strolls over to the trash, dumps them both, and walks off without so much as a word.

According to a recent article at The Huffington Post (shuddup shuddup, shuddup... I go there sometimes to balance out my Drudge...) Rare Wine Company's "Imperial-Old Reserve" Malmsey Maderia pairs well with these because “nothing goes better with sweet Maderias than chocolate and nuts”.   

Well said!  I will take a glass of that wine and a handful of the “nothing” you speak of - you can keep the cookies.

Yeah, Ok, Whatever, Rainman...

[Partial transcript from recent church Easter egg hunt video]

The Boy: I can’t carry anymore!

Mom: Is it heavy?

The Boy: It’s so heavy I can’t even see the...

Me: How many... How many do you think you got?

The Boy: I got, like, thirty-one eggs!

Me: [Looking at basket] Thirty-one eggs?! Huh.  That’s probably pretty close.

The Boy: We can count them!

Mom: No, we aren’t gonna count them out here.

Once inside:

Well, I’ll be damned...

Full disclosure, here.  “Thirty-one” is his eskimo-snow-word for any group of objects that is larger than he can count at a glance but obviously less than the number of birds in a flock (always “two hundred”).

Perfection Through Incompetence (Conclusion)

Go to Part I

Go to Part VI

That’s right.  Do nothing.  With all of the shockingly obvious yet easily reparable flaws that I was able to identify during my short time there, the system should be left alone.

Why?  Maybe a visual will help out here.  

The x-axis represents the amount of effort, funding, or whatever you put into fixing any social problem, and the red curve represents the number of people that are helped.  If you put too little effort into it, very few– maybe even zero – people will be affected.  After all, who are you helping if everyone gets an additional nickel per year in aid?  How about an extra ten dollars per year?  One hundred?  At some point the level of aid starts to matter and more and more people are helped.  But, without infinite time and resources, some are so bad off that they can’t have their problems “money-ed away” so the curve maxes out somewhere.

But that’s not the full story.  Let’s look at it from a different point of view. Again, the level of effort is on the x-axis but this time the y-axis represents self-reliance.  With little or no aid put out there, individual self-reliance needs to stay high in order to meet the bare necessities of survival.  With a little more aid, life becomes easier for those truly in need.  Unfortunately, life also becomes easier for those who would simply rather not work. 

Like I mentioned before, at the beginning of this process (signup for benefits) and its end (delivery of goods to recipients) there were folks who were clearly grateful for the helping hand and there were folks who were vocally convinced that the existence of this program was a God-given right.  Most sat in the middle of the spectrum, just going through the motions.

There will always be people that game the system, regardless of what “the system” is.  That’s just human nature.  I am sure you know someone doing this.  I personally know two able-bodied yet unemployed people that simply refuse to find work.  One of them told me that there was no reason to look for a job when he could just stay home and make enough money each week just by cashing a check.  The other told me that she just wishes people would stop asking her about getting a job – “At some point, you’re just over it, you know?” she said.

Neither one of these people I mention will starve or be living under a bridge anytime soon.  Or ever.  As soon as the benefits are about to run out they will get jobs, they have said.  

Anyway, the more effort and money you put in, the less and less people need to do for themselves in order to just get by.  Eventually you reach a point where everyone has stopped trying altogether because, frankly, what’s the point for working so damn hard if society is just going to give you everything you need anyway?  Obviously, the long-term effects of that policy would be horrible.

Combining the two graphs gives this one.  

Let’s rename the x-axis efficiency, competence, or something similar. The y-axis is a blend of the two others and I will now call it “societal good”.  Very little effort or funding or operating at low efficiency, as expected, results in low impact to society as a whole.  Increasing the efficiency helps society more and more until a maximum is reached.  Any further boost actually begins to hurt society because “learned helplessness” has exceeded “true need”.  People who would normally never consider aid begin to ask themselves “Why not?” and the people in the middle who were formerly going through the motions now become dependent on this increase.

Yes, the headline-grabbing news when some individual is “left behind” is sad.  It is tragic, in fact. In a perfect world it wouldn’t be that way.  But no program that is designed to service a large group of people is ever going to be 100% successful without infinite resources.  At some point “diminishing returns” kicks in and the group starts to suffer while fewer and fewer people are helped with the addition of more and more effort.  That isn’t cruel.  That’s just simple math.

So I believe, based on what I have read and what I have witnessed is that, true to their slogan, the Salvation Army is, indeed, “Doing the Most Good”.   No changes should be made to make the Angel Tree program better in any way.  [As a matter of fact, based on the group’s 2011 financials, it seems that all federal, state, and local government fiduciary support could be pulled immediately and the Salvation Army (and many other charitable organizations) would be just fine].

Maybe I’m losing touch with my roots.  But, you know, I sometimes wonder if that would be such a bad thing...

I am a firm believer in the maxim “Just because something is impossible to do, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try”.  But where does it end?  You can’t apply that pithy, bumper-sticker-worthy credo to any and all situations.  For those of you that think that viewpoint is an example of the heartless, Godless trajectory this country is on, pick up a world history book and open it to a random spot.  Now tell me if we, as a species, we as a country, we as a whatever are better or worse off than the day-to-day sufferings of the people surrounding the events spelt out before you on those pages. 

I would say we’re doing okay.