Leave Us Alone

Sir or Ma'am:

We are very concerned over what appears to be an irrational fascination with us on your part.  Frankly, we have no illusions about being able to pursue private lives - after all, that is the price of fame - but your ridiculous obsession is causing us to fear for our very safety.

You bother us using the most intrusive means at your disposal to satisfy your curiosity, and then brag about your exploits to a world that barely cares.

When we think of the time, money, and resources that you could have spent chasing down a cure for cancer, feeding the homeless, or just donating to charity instead of this nonsense, it makes us sick.  Hell, even taking that cash and setting fire to it in a parking lot somewhere would have been better because it would have, albeit briefly, provided light, warmth, and entertainment to lookers-on.

You pry and pry and justify your shenanigans by calling it "searching for the truth" or "solving a mystery" or something equally trite. 

Here is a secret for you: we have no more secrets. 

We ran out of those long ago, and you know it. Now you are just using us to justify your existence and practice your bizarre and practically useless "craft". No matter how much you probe, prod, scan, sample, photograph, or x-ray us, in no way, shape, or form will the cost and effort involved justify the scraps of data that you allege to obtain from your efforts.

And then you have the gall to shout your "findings" to the world, promising even more startling revelations if only if some far-sighted person would throw you some more cash.  Unbelievable.

Just leave us alone. We mean it.

Very sincerely,

Shroud of Turin
Mona Lisa
The Last Supper
H.M.S. Titantic
The Zebruder Film
Tunguska Blast Zone
King Tutankhamen's Mummy
Every Stone Structure in Egypt