Long, long ago, a friend introduced me to the awesome goodness that is a Marlboro Red and I have been hooked ever since. I “accuse” him, see, because I possess no free will, apparently, and it feels right to offload blame for my own shortcomings ;).
Obviously, when I started smoking I was invincible so it was not going to affect me. Never ever ever. Besides, Future-Me is the one who was going to have to deal with the consequences, if any... not Now-Me. Laissez les bon temps rouler.
I would smoke for a few months - about a pack a day if you are wondering - and then quit for a few months. I would pick it up again for a few weeks and quit for a year. Or vice versa. I think the longest I have ever smoked continuously was a year, and the longest I have ever been quit is about eighteen months.
Quitting had never been a problem for me - it was like having a smoker/non-smoker switch that I could throw at will. The first day was never a big deal, it was always the second. I don't know why. After that second day, though, it was pretty much smooth sailing as long as I had a substitute. In my case the substitutes tend to be spicy food (pepperoncinis out of the jar, say) and going to the gym. It usually takes the edge off. Your mileage may vary.
Having people smoke around me doesn't affect me during the times when I am temporarily a non-smoker, but, for some bizarre reason, seeing characters smoke in animated TV shows like The Simpsons or Venture Brothers hits a nerve occasionally.
I, of course, don't smoke in front of my boy. By "in front of", by the way, I mean if there is even the slightest chance that he could see me puffing away, then no, I do not smoke. As I am writing this, I am not sure he has ever seen anyone smoke (anyone he knows, anyway - we do take him out in public, after all).
Also, I have no illusions that "not smoking in front of him" is somehow evidence that I am a great person. At best, that act is a proper and neutral thing to do and is not to be rewarded. It would be like awarding people for not keying each others cars every day or something - it's just kind of expected that humans would not do that. Anything below that neutral line is unacceptable - reaching that line is not "praiseworthy". It just "is".
I am well aware of the downsides of smoking. I am not a fictional character from a 1980's After School Special, after all, so spare me the drawn-out lesson in sickness and mortality statistics. I don't need to be "shocked" by a long list of carcinogens present in cigarette smoke, or by an analysis of how much money I am “wasting”, or even by the fact that certain radioactive isotopes of plutonium and polonium take up residence in tobacco leaves. Although I highly suspect the words "tobacco leaves" in the last sentence could be replaced with "pretty much all plants", I get the point. I do. I. Get. It.
It's not about logic or reason, so don't bother appealing to either of those.
Today is Day Two, and I am in a bad way. There is "too much" oxygen in my system, my ears feel like they are about to pop, every sound seems a tiny bit too loud, and my mouth and nose are very dry. I feel a little unreal... sort of like I am driving my body around as though it was a marionette - I am in charge, but just going through the motions, you know? It is very obvious to my body that something is missing.
I don't know exactly why it's so tough this go around - it probably has to do with age. But, whatever the cause, my hope is that this time the "quit" phase lasts for a good long stretch so that Future-Me will stop sighing in disgust at Now-Me for a little while.
Wish me luck.
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