Learned Helplessness - This prize is given to The Wonder Pets for the show that most exemplifies crossing the line between “teaching the benefits of helping one's neighbor” and “teaching the benefits of never, ever attempting to solve a problem on one's own, no matter how trivial the task”. "Teamwork" always triumphs over "self-reliance" - as a matter of fact, anyone who attempts to do anything on their own fails miserably and is always punished for their hubris. No matter what, always get someone to help you or, better yet, do it for you.
Deus Est Machina - (You read that right...) If someone isn't there to help you with a trivial task or, more likely, you and your friends are absolutely stumped on how to overcome a simple challenge you are totally unprepared or unwilling to put your mind to, just cry out for tech support! Diego's magic backpack and Toodles from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse tie for the gold, here.
Diego's backpack allows Diego to leap from his treehouse and slide down his apparently ten-thousand foot zipline to save an animal anywhere in the world without even needing to prepare because this overly chatty Bag of Holding can also turn into anything without dumping or crushing the whatever happens to be in it at the time.
Toodles is even more advanced because not only can it provide Clubhouse members between three and five useful items per show, it knows what they will need up to forty minutes before they do (kind of like the movie Paycheck, I guess). Really, though, pretty much all of the problems the clubhouse gang run across can either be solved if at least one of then carried a shotgun. Can't wake up the sleeping giant? Kitten stuck in a tree? Pete shaking you down for shiny buttons so you can pass over your own bridge? Problem solved – Toodles not required.
Least Hangover-Friendly Cartoon Character - Easily stripping the title from Hola-I-have-no-indoor-voice-or-internal-monologue Diego of Go, Diego, Go fame is "The Map" from Dora the Explorer. Although this is a virtually identical show to Diego, the creators decided that adding a character to slooowly repeat the simple directions to the barn (or wherever) four times in a row (five, counting Dora's repeat right afterward) wasn't grating enough. To remedy this shortcoming, they gave The Map a voice that sounds like someone is slowly crushing a nasally-congested magpie under a set of bagpipes.
Do I wish these shows would go away? Sure. Here are some suggestions for series finales I would like to see:
Go, Diego, Go:
Baby Jaguar goes nuts and devours half a dozen baby puffins. Diego looks over, shrugs, and says "Meh...circle of life" then goes back to playing Xbox (Roll credits).
The Wonder Pets:
- The Wonder Pets Save the Chupacabra.
- The Wonder Pets Save the Ebola Virus.
- Something with the Wonder Pets and some high voltage power lines. Oh, please... please please please... C'mon... at least Ming Ming...
Goofy: Hiya, Mick (hyuk hyuk) I want to build a birdhouse, but I don't have a hammer or any nails. (Looks around expectantly)
Mickey: Well, Goof, maybe you should hold off on your project until you are sure you have all the supplies you need. That would make the most sense.
Goofy: Uh... ok (walks out sadly, credits roll).
Of course, these suggestions might force a change in the appropriateness rating of the show, but I guarantee you the thunderous applause from all of the bleary-eyed parents trying to get ready for work in the morning would be able to be heard on the International Space Station.
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