No, YOU'VE Been Drinking Haven't You.

I, SnowUrchin, am currently holding the master switch to the Internet.

The guy on craigslist who sold it to me told me that all I had to do was flip it from ON to OFF and the whole works would instantly come to a screeching halt. You would think that something this powerful would not appear to be so shoddily made, or at least be more metallic and less plywood-y, but to have the ability to bring the electronic world to a standstill... well, let's just say it is the best $500 I have ever spent.

I have not tested it yet, obviously. I hope I never have to... but that's up to you, really.

You see, Internet, I have a series of 1980s-based demands that must be met within 48 Hours (get it?) or else I flip the switch and we are all back to, well, the eighties. And the best part of my plan is that you will never catch me, because there will be no Internet! I will disappear in a cloud of smoke like some kind of super magic ninja or something.

Now, before the black helicopters start to land, here are my demands:

1. To MGM or Warner Home Video, I demand that the 1984 movie "Electric Dreams" be released on DVD or Blu-Ray. This A.I. classic should not be only available on VHS, used, by some dude on eBay. Even if I did trust that mrawesome1614's copy of the movie is, in fact, "totally mint", I have absolutely no way of playing it. Yes, I have the theme song on my iPod, but it is just not the same.
2. To IMDb: I demand that the movie Space Mutiny be removed from its embarrassing place at #34 on your list of 100 Worst Movies. Barring this, have a note saying that the MST3K version is awesome and that you can buy a t-shirt with all 40 names for Big Mclargehuge.  Don't know what I'm talking about?  I don't care.  It's not always about you, you know... 
3. To the band Styx: I demand that you re-release the song "Mr. Roboto" wherein you pronounce the word "modern" correctly. It's not mod-ren. It's mod-ern. You say it like that three or four times...
4. To Activision (or whoever owns the current license to the old Infocom text adventures): I demand all of these interactive fiction classics be officially and legally re-released for the Kindle or the iPad or something instead of letting these works languish on a shelf somewhere. Also, clean up your website a little - It's impossible to navigate unless you are looking for game patches. Also, answer your emails, Activision corporate office. It's been two weeks since I nicely asked for this information. Now look what it's come to...
5. To Columbia Pictures: I demand you agree to film and re-release the Karate Kid with as much of the original cast as is possible. Barring that, at least film a version where Daniel simply calls the cops after the skeleton-clad Cobra-Kai beat him up, followed by an extensive criminal and civil trial. Or maybe one where Mr. Miyagi doesn't actually know karate (he just wants some rube to do some chores around the place) but Daniel doesn't find out until well into the first round of the tournament. Or maybe one where Daniel suffers from ADD and spends five minutes "waxing the deck" and "sanding the car" before wandering off to play Galaga...
6. To the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation and/or Henson Associates and/or Disney: I demand you restore Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas to its original version as it appeared on HBO in the early 1980s. You know, the one where Kermit narrates and Ma Otter tells the mean rich lady to fall off the dock. The current DVD release is a huge disappointment for those of us who can still recite all the lines after three decades. We want to share the original version with our kids.  Great.  Now I have 'Riverbottom Nightmare Band" stuck in my head.

Remember, you have 48 hours... Tick, tock.

Now where'd that wine bottle get off to...