Safety Danse Macabre

About six months ago one thousand of my closest work friends and I were invited to watch a ten-minute safety video extolling the virtues of keeping all of your body parts as symmetrical and non-mangled as possible.

It was horrific. 

Image after image of folded, stapled, spindled, and mutilated proletariat unintentionally but quite literally oiling the gears of Capitalism with their blood flashed up on the screen.  It seemed like every horror in the song Bravely Bold Sir Robin was showcased... Well, not the "nostrils" one.  That would have been a different training film altogether...

About halfway through the movie I wanted to run away.  I don't need this psychological trauma - I pound code into a computer all day, for crissakes!  I'm not a line worker at "Choppy McCrushingtons Unnecessary Doodad and Tragic Headline Generating Dangertorium" or something.  I mean, there is, like, barely a 50% chance I will get up from my desk, bop on over to the work site, find a front loader, teach myself how to drive it, then hoist my gas-can holding friend (who is only 2 days from retirement) accidentally into the high-tension lines above the constantly-running-for-some-reason tree shredder. 

Well, maybe it's more like 60%.  I don't know.  I'm pretty unpredictable and I tend to black out a lot... 

Still, I am a safe guy.  I would go as far as to say that I am all about safety.  As a matter of fact, the quote next to my Senior Year High School yearbook photo is "Safety?  Hell, Yeah, Safety! Woo Hoo!" 

I don't run with scissors, leer at my co-workers, allow commies access to my desktop, or use a Super Soaker filled with sea water to operate the light switch in my office.  Do I really need to waste eight hours a year being reminded that acting like a semi-sober Neanderthal in the workplace sometimes has negative consequences?

No.  Of course not.  And neither do you.

I propose condensing all of the trainings we are subjected to into a 5-minute generic boilerplate that could be shown on an as-needed basis.  "How would that look" you ask?  Below is a small sample of one possible script.

(Man enters office struggling to carry an open 35-gallon fuming drum marked "Explosive Toxic Goo".  His female co-worker is talking on the phone while trying to grind the ground prong off of a frayed electrical cord with a paper shredder.)

Man: Hey, honey, are you getting sexier or is that the five beers I had at lunch talkin'?  (Staggers a little, guffaws loudly).
Woman: (yelling into phone) Sorry, Phishy Notaspy, I have to go, someone just came in.  I have to admit, when you requested all my passwords during our FaceSpace chat during regular working hours I was a little dubious, but you asked so darned nice I couldn't resist.  Bye, now! (Hangs up)
Man: (shouting to make himself heard over the grinding) I SAID...
Woman: I heard you, and I don't appreciate being harassed, especially not by someone smoking a cigar and not wearing goggles or steel-toed shoes. Now make yourself useful and help me bypass the safety interlocks on this shredder. I need to remove this stupid third prong thingy so I can plug my unauthorized space heater in.
Man: Pfft.  Forget that.  Lemme go get the forklift and I'll pry the top right off this (horribly filthy expletive deleted) shredder har har har
Woman: You can't fit a forklift in here!
Man: Don't sweat it, honeycakes!  Just lock your knees and violently lift that 100-pound contraption and meet me on the factory floor in the area between the empty first-aid locker and the eyewash station we converted into a Slushie machine.
Woman: (Thinking to self) Wait.  Isn't that a hardhat area?  Oh, I'm sure I'll be fine... After all, it's just for a few minutes...

You get the idea.

At the end of the video there would be a big DON'T DO ANY OF THIS STUFF displayed for 10 seconds then fade to black.  You can take my script, if you like.  Just make sure the movie is shot in grainy Kodachrome, the audio is slightly out of synch, and dudes in mullets and moustaches are prominantly featured throughout, or else people won't take it seriously.