Eighties Movie Haikus

[Editor's Note:  I am in the process of re-printing some of my old posts from other blogs years ago.  Not only does this help put them all in one place, it really calls to my inner lazy-guy. This one was written in 2007, and has been updated a bit to fix the dates.]

I collect PG-Rated movies from the 1980’s. Not because they were great… or good, even. Actually, the advent of newer and cheaper computer-based filmmaking technologies in that decade opened up all the stops on what was to be, and what will always be remembered as, a ten-year schlock-fest. The high cost of materials, editing, etc. went away, and more and more theaters were built. This really helped to take a hacksaw to the throttle valve of artistry and common sense. Anything could make money. And I am not talking about blockbusters like E.T. (I have no interest in those). I am talking real pieces of steaming garbage.

So why do I collect them?

Well, it has been 25 years since I have seen a lot of the ones I am about to mention, and, man, what can I say? I don’t think that my life was so horrible, so wretched, so deprived of entertainment of any kind that I would subject myself to these abominations time and time again, but I seem to remember watchingsome of these things about a million times on HBO. I don’t know…

I certainly don’t watch them for “kitsch” value, whatever that is. I don’t smirk to myself and think “Oh, how superior this time is, right here and right now. I truly weep for those that came before me. Behold: the pinnacle of perfection – the year 2011”. I like to think I have a more enlightened view of my position in the timeline than that.

Consider it research. Yeah, that’s it… sociological research. After watching a number of these films I have come to a number of conclusions. Here are a few:

1. Super-lopsided hyper-violence is always the first option to any problem whatsoever (Conan the Destroyer, Karate Kid – when the skeleton-dudes jump Daniel for some reason)
2. It doesn't matter if you are flagrantly violating the rules, endangering others, or just plain ol’ wreckin’ up the joint – no one should stop you from doing what you want to do, especially if you were told not to. (Smokey and the Bandit II, Cannonball Run)
3. The government has amazing and scary technological abilities and can and will disappear you in an instant. Luckily, at the same time, it is comprised of a bunch of doddering nincompoops that can't seem to do anything right. (Man With One Red Shoe, Real Genius)
4. Computers are the solution to everything but, in spite of our (or their) best wishes, they are destined to destroy our lives. (War Games, Electric Dreams)
5. Regardless of how bad your plan is, regardless of the odds, regardless of all that is physically possible or even remotely reasonable to wish for, you will come out on top if you believe in your cause enough. After all, you’re the good guy. (Iron Eagle, Secret of My Success, Red Dawn)

But can you imagine a world where the lessons learned from the above 25-year-old PG-Rated (!) movies became mainstream? What if these ideas became domestic, economic, and foreign policy? Man, what a hoot!

Oh… wait…

Anyway... Here are the rules I have for my collection. I am free to bend or break them as I see fit. They are my rules, after all:

• Must be rated PG-13 or under. Not for prudish reasons... This rule is here just for fun. So Conan the Barbarian is not allowed, but Conan the Destroyer is.
• Cannot be an "award-winning" or "classic" anything. Like I said, I am not interested in box office opinion. So Xanadu trumps E.T. here.
• Can't have sequels for sequels' sake. This is why Police Academy 2 and Revenge of the Nerds 2 are not allowed. If it is just an obvious studio money grab and does not serve to, however badly, forward the storyline then it is right out. (This is why Conan the Destroyer is allowed. But Iron Eagle is, cuz I want it to be)
• Must have been made between 1980 to 1989. Sadly, this eliminates Scavenger Hunt from the collection.
• Must currently be on DVD. It's 2011, FCOL. This takes Electric Dreams out of the list, which steams me up.
• Must come to you out of the blue. No looking up "bad 1980's movies" for ideas. That's cheating, that is... The type of movie you remember while at a stop light somewhere or digging through the $5 bin at Wal-Mart and go "Hey... Wow... Man that was terrible. I really need to see that again." is what should be on the list.

I'll look through my moveies and post my list in the sidebar sometime in the future. In the meantime, the pic at the upper left of this post is one of my old 1980s-based movie haikus. More to follow.  Enjoy, and feel free to submit your own!