Well it’s now November and I feel the need to throw some stuff together for a post. Let's start with an unreasonably long post about Halloween projects.
Every year, as soon as the first leaves begin to fall from the trees and pumpkins begin appearing on peoples' front porches, the boy begins vibrating with excitement and chatting non-stop about Halloween. It’s not the anticipation of gobs of candy so much or really even the trick-or-treating itself. For him it's always been about the costumes and all the crazy jazz hanging in the stores and all over people's houses.
I, however, hate Halloween.
Wait... That's a little strong. What I mean to say is that it's a hassle I could do without. A nuisance. A pointless disruption of my day to day routine. A made-up holiday where hipsters embrace the chance to out-vague-meme each other via outlandishly ironic dress (well, slightly more than is usual anyway) while hordes of children stomp all over your freshly aerated and seeded yard all night looking for a handout and...
Wait... That's much worse. Let's rein it in a little.
What I really mean to say is that I have always been ambivalent about it. In the past my interest has been mainly to watch the roads a little more carefully that night so I don't have to waste time dislodging too many Dora the Explorers from the wheel wells of my truck before I head off to work the next morning.
But the boy's attitude is contagious and now October 31st is something we look forward to together. He has been a giraffe, a pirate, Buzz Lightyear, Batman, an astronaut, and, this year, a ninja. The first couple of times he went out, I didn't have to dress up. It wasn't until he started asking me what I was gonna be that my hand was "forced". Until this year I made do with a five dollar wig and a white lab coat, but more on that in a bit - I have to cure my itch to segue a little.
What is the story with the outlandish budgets and resources that seem to be available to what appear to be average people and high schools on TV and in movies, especially when it comes to dances and holiday parties? You tell me you are a struggling… idunno… whatever working part time in a doughnut shop to make ends meet between gigs and you can afford to rent or (straight-up own!) an actual metal full sized suit of armor? How long, exactly, did your likewise broke and comically unambitious and inept roomie spend "in the chair" that morning having a team of FX specialists expertly apply zombie makeup to such perfection that his own daughter doesn't recognize him as one of the chaperones later that evening at the school's Halloween dance until the touching all-is-forgiven scene late in the third act? And how is it that this very same public school (where the students and faculty alike shrug their shoulders and crack wise about the rat and roach infested cafeteria) can afford to constantly throw these humungous extravaganzas with laser light shows, fog machines, tens of thousands of balloons, and bands that people have actually heard of? And is that... Is that a freaking Ferris Wheel? Jeebus, how many charity car washes did it take to cover the rent and liability insurance on that thing?!
Ok. Done now. The point is I try to keep it cheap and simple, but this year the boy wanted to turn the yard into some sort of Disney World-esque sideshow complete with animatronic creatures that rise from their shallow graves in the front yard to "scare and chase people".
"Chase people?", I asked.
"Yeah! Wouldn't that be cool?" "You are a good builder," he added, smoothly.
"Um, thank you. What would they do after they chased them?"
Pause. "What?", he asked, puzzled that I had a follow-up question, I guess.
"Well, let's say they chased the people then caught them. What would happen next?" (I, like others, have the same problem with the first Terminator movie, really. I mean, what.. He offs Sarah Connor then just stands there for a few decades? Gets a job, takes up golf?)
Other than to say "I guess they would just go back or shut off", (neither option available to a Terminator, btw) he didn't really have a plan for that. I told him it would wreck the lawn and I didn't have all the parts I needed in the garage anyway so maybe we could just make a graveyard or something instead.
He said "Awesome."
Tombstones are easy. Some plywood, a few quick cuts on the table saw and the band saw, some sanding to smooth out the edges and there you go. I had enough material on hand to make six. The boy used a paint roller (his first time!) to coat the wood grey. A couple of layers later and we were ready to "engrave" them.
He wanted his three (the vampire one, the skeleton one, and the spider one) to say something "cool". I made a "connect the dots" out of the words he wanted and gave him a Sharpie and told him to get to it. When he was done I traced his words with black paint and added some serifs to spook up the font a notch. In the end I felt his choices needed a little editorializing so I added some of my own stuff at the bottom of each of his.
I chose to keep mine simple (93% bored, 6% lazy, 4% hand crampy, and 2% busy with other things).
I think I told you about my kid's predilection for feature creep while we are in the middle of a project. The feature he wanted added this time was a sign that pointed at the tombstones that said "BEWARE OF ZOMBIES". But it had to look old and broken. I said ok. I happened to have some old, broken, and warped pieces of barnwood around the place so no worries there. A recovered piece of the easel from the painting project we did made a good stake. Poof. Done.
Since this year he was going as a ninja, what could be a better idea than to have your parent walk around with you in an equally hard-to-see-at-night costume? Nothing I could think of, so this year I went as the Grim Reaper. The costume itself is pretty well made and is light and comfortable to boot. A thin black veil completely hid my face, and vinyl skeleton gloves completed the ensemble.
The only downside was the toy-like 3 foot plastic scythe it could come with as an optional accessory. Pfft. Weak. How is a scythe "optional", anyway? There is a fine line between "stalking menacingly through the neighborhood in a cloak woven from the fabric of oblivion itself" and "prancing merrily from house to house decked out in a fancy new burqa" and that fine line is clearly scratched into the earth with the tip of a freakin' scythe.
Well, I suppose the vinyl skeleton gloves help differentiate the two a bit... Still, though, the little plastic dealie was not going to cut it (literally or figuratively), so time to build.
A couple of poplar dowels and a thin piece of plyboard was really all I needed. I rough cut the “blade” on the bandsaw and I made it less sliver-y and less eye-pokey on the sander. After cutting a notch into the upper portion of the handle with the table saw and gluing together the pieces, I used a series of stains to give it an aged look and sealed it with spar poly. The blade was painted silver and slotted into place. Done - a proper faux six-foot gardening tool of doom.
And of course there were the pumpkins. The pumpkin seeds I make are chock full of every nutrient you could possibly need… assuming you are primarily constructed of sodium and chlorine. They rock.
That’s about it for now. I have some stuff to say about the new Rocksmith game, that exercise game I am using in the mornings, and another project I am working on but this post has gotten way too long.
More later.
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