The Sketch Artist

Scene:  Pre-dawn Christmas morning. A quiet, snow-covered street is gently illuminated by the sodium lamps in front of the 14th Precinct Police Station. The silence is shattered when a thirty-ish lady dashes in, panicked and out of breath.  Disoriented, she staggers up to the desk of the Duty Officer.

Lady: Officer, officer!  I need to report a crime!

Duty Officer: (looking up from his paperwork) Calm down, miss. Calm down. Have a seat. Can I get you some cocoa?

L: (sits) No, no thank you, I just want to report a hit-and-run... Or maybe it was a mugging... Oh, it just happened all so fast...

DO: Are you missing any items that you are aware of? Are you injured?

L: No... No, I don't believe so. I heard a bunch of clippity-clop noises then I was knocked down then he was gone as quickly as he came.

DO: (grabbing a sketch pad)  Hmm. Ok. Try to remember any details you can about your attacker. 

L: I... I don't know if you are going to believe me.

DO: Trust me - I have seen it all. Nothing shocks me anymore.

L: Well... It wasn't human, but it sang incessantly. It looked like a giant albino dog with huge eyes. 

DO: (shows her pad) Eyes like this, you mean?

L: No. Bigger. And vacant. Irises that were basically pinpoints. 

DO: Like this?

L: Yes!  Just like that!  He had a large spherical red nose that glowed very, very brightly. A fang was growing out of it and his tongue was sticking out. 

DO: (Still sketching). Go on...

L: Oh, yes, he had one front leg and three back legs, all different lengths. On the end of three of his legs he had hooves, and on the back right one I think he was wearing a tube sock.

DO: (showing her the pad). Is this your attacker, miss?

L: No, he was at least fifty percent more mangled-looking than that.  He had one ear and one antler.  His skull and spine were severely misshapen. Also, I think he was pooping.

DO: Gotcha. (Hands her the pad) How about now?

L: That's him! That's the guy! Do you know who he is?

DO:  I do. The nose is a dead giveaway. Unfortunately, that is the only constant about this individual. Sometimes he has four legs, last year he had two... one time he had at least thirty. One day he would be standing there, the size of a bicycle, the next day his size rivaled that of the tallest tree in Mostly Treetrunk Forest.  I have to be honest with you, we are probably not going to find him. Besides, based on your description he was probably nearly blind and severely off balance. It might have been an accident. 

L: (sighs heavily) You know, when I first saw that my company had a job opening here in Childsdrawington, I jumped at the chance.  I thought it would be all happy suns and cute little backwards letter S's. 

DO:  (Nods) We all did...

L: I mean, the never ending string of dinosaur attacks and volcano eruptions would probably be semi-tolerable if it weren't for the constant racket of spaceship battles overhead.  It's almost impossible to get any sleep. 

DO: Yeah... You do get used to it, though. Even those giant potato-people don't freak me out like they did when I came here four years ago. 

L: Potato people?  Oh, you mean those huge grinning heads with spaghetti-thin arms and legs growing out of their necks (shudders)

DO: Yeah, them. My neighbors are potato-people. Nice enough folks, but I just wish they wouldn't walk around naked all the time do something about the fifty foot high daisies growing between our houses. I guess I should cut them some slack, though. I guess I wouldn't do very much yard work or fool around with zippers or buttons if I only had three spindly fingers jutting out of each wrist. 

L: I guess you're right. Well, officer, thanks for your time, and thanks for listening. 

DO: It's what I'm here for. Be safe out there.