Don't Let the Door Hit You...

Hello, Tassimo. Come in. Take a seat.

There is really no easy way of saying this so we are just going to come out and say it. We are going to have to let you go.

You showed such promise when you first joined our organization but, frankly, we feel you grossly misrepresented yourself on your resume and our disappointment with your performance has only grown with time.

What are we talking about? Well, your 5-star reviews notwithstanding, you only deliver a drinkable cup of coffee about 10% of the time. As for the other 90% you start out well and then just when we all think everything is going great, you blow up the coffee disk spewing grounds and hot water all over the mug, the countertop, and yourself.

Don't give me that. We tried filtered, bottled, and tap water with you. Nothing seems to make you happy. As a matter of fact, the very first cup you tried to make was a huge failure. You have no excuse.

Remember when you had that complete meltdown last year and it took 6 weeks for a brand-new replacement unit to come back from "somewhere out there"? No? You had just finished making your typical one-thirds-filled cup of hot water and coffee grounds then 5 minutes later, for no reason whatsoever, you started shooting steam out of every seam in your body. You were just sitting there, for crying out loud! You went from an annoyance to a legitimate safety hazard. Your customer service rep seemed to find that funny until I explained to her that it was lucky I was there to unplug you or else who knows what might have happened.

You are badly designed and it's difficult to even find coffee disks that will work with you. I have even gone as far as to cut and paste a barcode from a known good disk (Henry's Breakfast Blend, say) onto one that blows up routinely (everything else, say) to trick you into not making a colossal mess of my countertop. Its just not worth the effort anymore.

Also, your alleged “hot chocolate” is downright vile.

We are sorry, but we are going in a different direction. We are now working with your replacement to get him up to speed but he seems to have hit the ground running. No spitting activated carbon beads into the water hopper from him, I tell ya.

What is going to happen to you now, you ask? Well, for now you will be cleaned then sequestered in the pantry. We will confer with our friends to see what is the best course of action, but, frankly, it does not look good for you. To give you an idea of what your future holds, phrases that include words such as "M-80s", "gasoline", "baseball bat", and even "hollow point" have been floated by those that know you best.

The best you can hope for is that we just get sick of looking at you and chuck you in the Dumpster.